Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Gettin while the gettin is good.....

I saw my boy at yet another Samsung Lounge....3rd one in the last couple of weeks, each time a different client...."I see you came back to the darkside".....
referring to the genre of music this time.  While I am blessed to be choosy, this game is unforgiving. You take a break, you try to plan your picket fence lifestyle,  you leave yourself vulnerable for one minute and that's when some blonde 20 years your minor, toes creeling over her fall '12 wedges is tryna cop your spot and tell you how something "typically" works. 

Chile. Please.

That picket fence will be wrapped around my villa in the south of France with my 11 Godkids on spring break and a bevy of younger lovers....this month. If I choose. I leaves no money on the table.  Why? Cause ain't NOBODY checking for you in this cutthroat, misogynistic, greasy -bikini-in-the-summertime music industry. My late great mentor #Dixpop told me, literally begged me not to get have kids..."it'll ruin your life." Not everyone's but some. Maybe some that were destined to do more, see more, access more...or less. I'm still fumbling through but thank God that was presented as an option to accentuate my womanhood verses define it by 2.5 kids and a mini van.

So here, on the eve of yet another world tour where I jump off and on with other clients, I stand to prove me to me. Work hard, play hard, love harder.  I know I seemed busy before. But yawl ain't seen nothing yet......



Saturday, March 7, 2015

RED LIGHT SPECIAL

Dear Amsterdam,

Why must you always feel like home?  You are the point of the tour where everyone breathes.  You are where I know of the best laundry mats.  And while your Argentine steak houses are redundant, we've been able to find that ONE where only locals go.  The Italian restaurants know us by name.  We have the nerve to have our favorite smoke shop.

What?  A new one?  Indeed.  I'm there!  Amnesia....is a jewel on the Herengracht.  This uppity ass neighborhood where the walk ups are on fleek and everyone has all they damn windows open like I ain't supposed to look.  High ceilings and moldings and shit.  Think Montana Ave in Santa Monica.  Not Beverly Hills uppity, but them heiphas ain't got no jobs neither.  Which is probably why I found my NEW naked spa, Sauna Deco there.  Because jobless heiphas can take baths in public.

Favorite new fantastic store Kiki Niesten - this eccentric woman who's collected clothing for over 30 years.  She removes the label and sells the item at percentage of it's original cost.  I can't wait to find a spot to wear this Botega dress.  And the gloves...oh the gloves....they are truly too much.

Across from Miss Kiki's  shop is a wonderful store  Outras Coisas. This designer, David Simkanic, makes AMAZING leather goods. Then accents with towels, scarves, white plates...because I need more white plates.  These black candle holders I bought are the absolute TRUTH...dear GAWD.
It's the kind of store that has nothing you need but EVERYTHING you want.

And finally, The Canal House a JEWEL mind you....23 room boutique hotel of a 17th century house or 3 put together.  Rooms are good size.  Not cheap, but absolutely lovely.  Having the run of house there would be a bomb birthday party.  Courtyard, whisky, naked spa and weed?  What are we talking about here?

After leaving the Herengracht neighborhood we move a few blocks away...more boutiques, less uppity neighborhood called Jordaan.
Jordaan is where I found a cool spot, JD Williams Whisky Bar with a cooler Proprietor from San Francisco.  I already told him I'm biting.  Had nerve enough to go twice.  Couldn't help it.  They had Taco Tuesdays and Konge fried chicken bites.  Come on now!

All in all, I love me some Amsterdam. 2 shows left.  I'll be on US soil by Sunday.  Praise Him!

Monday, March 2, 2015

That one time we got strip searched in Sweden........

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFkSENBFhy4


16 years.  16 years of border crossings....all sorts of borders....Canadian, Mexican, Algerian, Argentinian, Chinese..... hell I've even crossed into Cuba.  Never...NEVER in my life have I been asked to drop my drawers and take of my shirt.

Part of the tour manager crossing the border game is remaining calm and more often than not, keeping my "chip-on-shoulder" "stand-up-to-authority" brethren to keep their lips shut for the sake of getting through.  Let's say for the 30 plus times you've gotten away with carrying, you get caught once.  Shut the fuck up.  You had it coming.  No it ain't racist.  The white jawn had to strip too.  Agist maybe.  Whatever the fuck....the dog smelled the right people.  We got rid of it.  no harm no foul.  But please don't act ignorant at the border.  It's exhausting keeping myself in line let alone entitled ass American ass adults.


Planes, Trains and Uncircumcised Penis

So, if you didn't know, I like Naked Spas. Naked co-ed Spas. Naked, co-ed, European Spas. Naked, co-ed European Spas in Amsterdam in particular.  If you've been with me to the South of France, Portofino,  Morro do Sau Paulo, Corsica or may even the Mandalay Bay adult pool in Las Vegas, chances are you've seen my boobs.  I don't mind.  They are more like an accessory any way....like a really nice pair of cufflinks.  They are small and you notice them, but they aren't overwhelming and add just the right touch.

Any way, my boobs like to go to Naked co ed European Spas in Amsterdam.  So I took my partner in crime and visited a new one:

http://saunadeco.nl/    Tiny spa at the bottom of a brownstone with lovely Art Deco furniture and accents.  Not at all big and obnoxious like that last Naked co-ed European Spa in Amsterdam 20 minutes outside of town.  Although that was banging too.  This one was quaint and just enough.  I was only surrounded by like 10 or 12 uncircumcised peni vs 50 plus at the other spa.  There was even a pregnant lady there relaxing getting her sauna on.  The steam room was to die for and the cold plunge was refreshing.  Wasn't a freak nasty thing, just a spa.  Just people who like to sauna naked and pretend they aren't looking at each other.

You think any of the guys want to go?  hells to the no.  They get offended just asking.

I loved it.

The mint tea put me to sleep.
                                 

Monday, February 23, 2015

SHORT HAIR STRUGGLE - HAMBURG, GERMANY

My sisters my sisters. Almost 3 decades of visiting this continent and STILL...no one can lay a short cut.  Oh they can do extensions....eyelashes, skin dye....but short hair?  Edges?  May as well be the lost city of Atlantis.

Sounds to ME like a prime opportunity for someone to get to Germany and be the go to short hair layer.  That's just what I'm thinking.

Meanwhile...I'mma go in this girls shop with her broken hairdryer and some barber strips and see what I can do until I get to Amsterdam.....le sigh.....  come on sistas! We gotta do better!  (btw...I hate the word "sista/sistah" spelled out.  It sounds so , like, white...)

Saturday, February 21, 2015

No sleep til......East London

I'm Sleepy!

I can't do these go out at 1am nights!!  Cept I did.  And I have.  And why is London so gotdamn fun sometimes?

Schedule:

5:30 am - arrival to London
6:27 am - check in 3 busses/sort luggage
6:30 am - breakfast begins. Perfect!
6:35 am - breakfast not include fuck it I'll order the chorizo AND the pancakes AND grapefruit juice AND coffee = 35 GBP
7:30am - night night time.  Shades are drawn.  Wait is that Hyde Park outside my window?  So what. I'm sleepy.
2:00pm - draw the shades...because you HAVE to do something in London
3:00pm - Top Shop. Urban outfitters. Is that a Whole Foods across the street?  Wait, when did London get a Whole Foods?
5:00 pm - Wagamama.... it used to be so good....damnit Korean Town...you've ruined me!
6:30pm - cab to Prince of Wales Theater
7:27pm - someone comes out with a returned ticket (cuz we needed a 3rd). SCORE!  100 GBP on a front row seat.  I LOVE THE THEATER!!!
8:40pm - intermission.....laughing my ass of over how brilliant The Book of Mormon is and how I should have made that Matt Stone shit happen.  Slept.
10:00 pm - back to the hotel for 3 course dinner.  Underwhelming. But the Oban was popping.
11:30pm - work out
12:15am - that was stupid.
12:30am - head out to the Wellesley.  Turns out they have a humidor that rivals the Havana Room, Beverly Hills.  What the hell do I know?  They have a patio so my hair don't get funked up.
1:00am - I'm learning words like Behike.  I don't know what that means I just know I don't have the Pounds to pay for it.
2:30 am - I almost won the white ash contest.... Italian Margaritas, some cognac that happens to go with the Behike.
3:30am - next door hotel club.  So corny.  But ...I mean it was connected to the hotel, what do you want from meeeee?????
4:30 am - drag my ass into the hotel.....time to get my GOOD Skype on.
5:30 am - drooling.....

That was Thursday
 


LAST NIGHT.... I was only at the BEST SHOW.... okay, I don't know if it was the best yet....D and I still can't decide if it's Berlin or this one.  I have to believe it has to do with having a curfew.  He definitely came ready to give it to London...and he did IN FACT give it to London.  The audience was so happy, did not sit down and partied so hard.... infectious.  However...Berlin....oh Berlin.....I think that show was damn near 3 hours.... I'm a sucker for a 3 hour show. Clearly.

After party was supposed to happen, but after the VIP bar, and the long long wait for everyone to get their "act right".... I was catching up on my ABC Thursday Night line up and drooling by 3am....when they decided to go to the next club..... I'll get you back tonight LONDON!!! I'll get you yet!