Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Look who's back

I tried to take a break....but...you know the old adage..."every time I try to get out, they keep pulling me back in."  It's a good think to take breaks.  You get some time to sort out all of the goofy shit on your mind...particularly girly shit.  Things you were taught by society that you had to do or SUPPOSED to be when really, you don't have to do any of that.  As one of my favorite antagonizers told me "change your script" (thanks Zo).  And so, having the incredible blessing that I cannot say came anywhere else but from God, I've had the pleasure of transitioning from the hardest craziest most ridiculous hip hop to working with every great gospel artist you can imagine.  It's pretty amazing the change in perspective when everyone around you is fixated on blessings and goodness, how world perspective can change.  My frown lines may even disappear!  It's not that the work is any less difficult or challenging...which I am happy for (being home is downright boring), it's just my soul feels better about the outcome.  It's not brain surgery.  Everything WILL indeed be okay.  I'm not too old, I haven't missed out on anything, life's a bowl of cherries.  So I dig into this tour whole heartedly and with no regrets.  Let's go!  I can do 6 weeks in my sleep!

Now....about the same peripheral jackasses I have to deal with on the road....
What I did enjoy about taking some time off was getting in touch with my kinder, gentler self. Not being angry.  Taking everything with a grain of salt.  I have been called "Princess" and "Boss" by this new travel agent I have to use...who does very little and talks very much.  Those condescending pet names men use that actually mean "bitch"?  Yeah....I can't wait to emasculate him like a good black woman should (sorry Zo. He has it coming).  Tina Fey says...fuck that...be yourself in "Bossypants" - well she sort of says that.  So, yeah...fuck that.  Tomorrow...it's on.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Women vs Pitbulls

I look at Bleu and I think...wow...she is so loyal, to a fault.  Pitts do anything their owners tell them.  It's in their nature. They will fight to the death because their owner tells them to.  They are sturdy.  They are hardworking.  They are strong. They are loving and loyal and tough and sweet and growl.

I find that "strong" women...not necessarily only independent....ones maybe with daddy issues, mommy issues, ones who haven't had the opportunity to work through their post modern nuclear families - are comparable.  We are loyal and fearless and hardworking - in fact workaholics - anything to be agreeable and do a good job.   Oh...and then we're "bitches".

I believe it's not until we are honest with ourselves and our wants and our needs -- also known as "vulnerable" -- who will trust us?  We can't even trust ourselves.  We make decisions based on thoughts not our heart.  Ideals not realism.  Where does the balance lie?  These types of women are so extreme we almost miss the person that comes into our life that actually works with us.  How can we devote time to a relationship when we are so devoted to being strong and independent.  Then we judge everything based on that. 

On top of that, we  get into a career that dictates our choices for us and forget the things that actually make our hearts sing.  What even fills us up?  Being told we're bawse ass bitches?  Working behind niggas who will always call us sisters.  I have more HOMEBOYS/BROTHERS than I can shake a stick at!  Them niggas don't ever marry our types.   they don't teach us nothing.  They fuck with mealy mouth bitches who don't say shit.  And shutting up is like kryptonite to us.

We, then  do all the despicable shit we would never want done to us - hide shit, lie , hold secrets, buy gifts -- and then have to go home and look at ourselves in the mirror.  All for a paycheck and to be a bawse.

It's funny...I've worked for men who knew without a shadow of a doubt to hire women only.  why?  Because women give a fuck and will fight to the finish and run themselves ragged and are nurturers.  So NOW I feel like we are being sold a bill of goods.

This new independence does not lead us to tolerance nor patience nor understanding about the WORK it takes to love some one unconditionally - that means understanding by the way.

And who wants to accept defeat?  Who wants to say, damn I'm just a girl after all.  I just want a family and cook and hang out.  But damn, I sure will miss flying in and out of town 3 - 4 times per month?

Now that I've moved into TV/Film...at least its a new place to go into and hunt and gather.  But the "boys club" shit?  That mentality? Fighting against that wall...is not only frustrating, it can make you shoot someone. 

oh yes...Sexism is alive and very prevalent.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

RENTAL BEDS

There are some airports that have rental beds I believe.  I'm sure there could be some sort of ramifications from this eventually, but right now I'd take them all.  I know what you're thinking...."they're called 'hotels' Tina".  But 5 hours doesn't justify 150 GBP.  I'm going to have this same problem in a week for a crazy layover in Frankfurt -- that one is 11 hours.  I love LA but traveling to Europe or Africa from LA sucks balls.  I'm drinking luke warm tea and bad cabernet after a 10 hour flight and waiting for 5 hours to take another 10 hour flight.  I had such plans upon arrival to Dubai but I think the only plan I'm going to have is a bath.  My neck hurts, my backs sore.  This shit is awful.  I'm getting cabin fever just thinking about my upcoming 10 hour flight, though I usually knock out for at least 8 of that.

On the first leg there was a screaming child.  Toddler.  There were so many baby girls just enjoying the ride and then there was this screaming little boy who needed a whoopun.  I would have gladly obliged but I was in the window seat and couldn't get out fast enough to snatch his screaming ass up. I don't know why I was mad at him.  He was simply getting away with what I wanted to do.  I bet half the people on the plane wanted to scream like that little boy. 

But Alas, my phone works.  My client's interview will take place.  Everyone's bio has been sent to the producer and the 10 hours didn't affect business.  THAT'S what's important.  That and my left hip.  Sweet Jesus.

Now to find a rental shower so I can change my drawers....at least they let you take those on the plane.

I long for the weather of the desert....Equator or bust!

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

There Once Was a Tour Manager from Nantucket

There once was a tour manager from Nantucket
Who worked for a decade as a puppet
She reached to the top
then she finally stopped
And simply told everyone "Fuck it"!


Probably the hardest thing you'll ever do is stand up for yourself. Throw caution to the wind and go for the odds....just....one....last.....time.

Mostly because you only live once.  And hell I don't know a business person who's never held themselves back before all hell broke loose.  But what a hard lesson to learn.  What lesson is that you say?
Confidence.
Not big mouth "Love and Hip Hop" talking confidence either.

I mean, fuck you, face your demons, beat yourself up and come back on top kind of confidence.  Where you are truly clear.  There are no regrets.  I'm looking in this mirror and me likey type of confidence.

Have you looked in your mirror today?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Sacrifice

I was born out of sacrifice. It's no wonder I thrive in it.  It's where I'm stationed.  And while I find it unfair many many times, I always return...happily, as if it's my station in life.  Always the therapist.  Even before I knew I'd get a Masters in it.  Always living near some halfway house, always donating turkeys and giving clothes to abused women shelters.  Always into that...sacrifice.  Doesn't mean I don't expect it back, some day.  Doesn't mean I don't get mad when it doesn't happen.  I am human.
Being a Martyr is for the birds.   So why choose it?  A job that takes me away from my better years....all this mouth and hootspah....oh you girls with all that mouth...you'll learn.

With jobs, friends, men...like, what in the total fuck am I doing?  My plight for finding a nice Jewish Boy is straining me.  Pretty soon I'll be visiting Fertility clinics and wondering why I didn't keep that baby at 16.  Shocking?  Please, you know you had an abortion at 16...or 17....or 20. Stop playing.

Any way, awkward pause, there are no more accidents.  Everything is a decision...thought and planned.  I've had a good run of living la vida loca....now it's time to live la vida calculated loca.

And so now I choose to love.  Love those that are close to me just cuz they need a little extra loving.  Love them because they are  good and fragile and need more people, to love them with all their faults - as I need, as we all do.  I don't know what that means. But I'm tired of feeling stupid about it.  I will love for all of my life, mostly now when it's needed the most.  
I think Leos stick with the feelings we can't control because we love the challenge of pain....what with our oh so decadent life.  
Full of sacrifice.  
Love is sacrifice.  It's kinda crazy, mostly stupid, definitely irrational.  What're ya gonna do?

Insert country music (this weeks selection "Pistol Annies")

This is when the I create a bigger company with more people and more jobs and more help and more clients and more.....headaches? And I pass it all to my beautiful niece who quite possibly has more steam than I....and trade this career off for the next one which requires more ambition and more sacrifice but probably a steadier home life...which I forgot about with all of my ambition over these last years in the entertainment industry.  


But alas, "Martyrdom does not end something, it only a beginning."
Indira Gandhi


Friday, September 28, 2012

Red Bone Mango

ahhhhhh.....it's nice to take a break and then come back.  Tonight's Wayne's 30th.  It's about to be off the chain.  Maybe my last party?  I dunno.  I'm trying to see things I haven't seen before.  You know, pick and choose in this life.  I said my birthday was the last but everything keeps upping the annie.

Today was a great day.  Just getting solid answers and validation...all things I've asked of God.  Security on all levels.  Great time to take a sigh of relief.  Even greater time to pat yourself on the back. It's hard being the biggest cheerleader but when you ask....be ready for it to come back two fold.

Goodtime Girl stays winning.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

MAKING ALL THATS OLD NEW

So I made it through my birthday and I made it through the D'Angelo tour.  I cannot tell when my patience has been tried more.  Blogging has not been on the forefront of activities.  But as I slow down and take meeting after meeting with production company after production company, I realize it's time to make all that's old new...again.

Expanding your territory.  It's in the bible.  So lots of reading and affirmations and meditation and walks on the beach (reminds me it's 434pm...time to hit it)....so that I can sit at this desk and churn all of this stuff out.  I almost don't want to go to NYC this weekend because I know that will take me away from this desk.  It's hard to work in NYC.  Someone always wants to meet somewhere at some time.  Always something to do --- like ?uestlove's Brooklyn Bowl Prince throw down...."Bring D"!  Pressure.  Not only to go but to bring someone who don't go no where.  Doesn't sound like desk work.

Then Friday - Roots show - Portchester.  No big deal.  Easy.  Just no desk to do the rest on.

Saturday - EASY day - Pier 36.  Going to be fun it seems.  I don't think we go on until late so we have a long day.  But as I said before....focus ---- desks.  Parking.  Brooklyn, Harlem or South Orange.

I want sushi right now.  I can't overwhelm myself before I even get out of here.